Without going to far into the horrible details I am going to tell you all about an experience of mine that took place last September. I haven't told anyone what happened, but I have talked to people about how it has changed me.
Well, getting back into the swing of college & class last fall was very difficult. I had just recently returned from the U.K. from a mission trip. I was so encouraged, yet drained from my summer abroad. Well, if you look at a previous post, my best friend told me over the summer that he would not be returning to our college that next term (now he isn't coming back at all). I am not one to bounce around different groups of friends. I typically have a small core group that I consider my best friends and that I can really have community with. Struggling with SSA this makes it hard. I fight loneliness with the majority of people, except for people in my "core." Well, not one of my core friends were around. I had "friends" but no one that I didn't feel lonely and uncomfortable with.
I was alone.
Well Satan, being the ravenous lion he is, took the opportunity to devour. And it wasn't a quick gobble either. He wore me down bit by bit. Me being exhausted, stressed, and lonely made his feast even more easy and delectable. I found myself struggling with SSA by two hundred percent. I wanted to connect with someone so bad that I was willing to give into SSA for that connection. I kept hearing the lie that I could have what I wanted if I just sought after a "relationship" with another male. Well, given my identity on campus and with my friends as Christian, I couldn't very well have a public relationship. So I started contemplating the idea of secret meetings with guys. I might as well put a gun to my forehead.
Not only playing with these ideas, I was headlong back into porn and masturbation. I was slipping down faster than I had ever done before. The really sad thing was, I knew it. I was so done with struggling and being lonely that I basically edged toward the "no no" line just watching and waiting for Jesus to intervene. In the back of my mind I sort of taunted Jesus with the fact he wasn't doing anything to help or stop me.
I would love to say that I came to my senses and began to pray and read my bible again. However, I began to contact people wanting to discretely "hook up" to be honest. And well, I did.
This is the worst thing I have ever done with my SSA. Every moment that led up to it I knew better. From the inside I screamed to stop, yet my flesh screamed yes. This was going to give me some sort of contact. An end to the loneliness. Just to clear this up, I did not have sex. It did not go that far, but definitely went further than I had done before. Regardless of the details, I learned something. Something that I makes the whole situation worth something.
Almost as soon as I had done what I had done, I automatically knew it did not give me what I wanted. It was dumb. It didn't satisfy a thing I wanted it to. Jesus was acting like I had expected him to do before. He softly said, "Now, don't you understand what I've been telling you all along? I am enough." I realized I want Jesus more than this. Jesus gave me more of a satisfaction than any of that could ever give me. And now I had proof. "Blessed is the man who believes without seeing." Well, I did not believe and had to see. And I was burned.
My SSA struggle since that moment has greatly improved. I find it much easier to turn down temptation because the lie was exposed. However, now that I am back for Spring term, I am still alone. Almost more alone than ever. I am desperate for community. And the lie to seek out community in my SSA is still present. Please pray that I don't forget the valuable lesson God spoke into my life that day. Pray I find community; at least one person that I can be myself with.
Jesus is enough.
